So what do I do now? Where do I go now? What happens to my life now that it's purpose is gone?

From a friend :)

Hey Hillary,

Did you know that I love your photos?
I always go to your flickr and just ogle over them
Richard Avedon didn't care about who was before him or ridicule others for lack of knowledge or money or anything
All he cared about was doing what he loved regardless of the critics
And he practically invented a whole new genre of photography

Positive thoughts Positive thoughts Positive thoughts :)


Also, the super great photojournalists that you may not know about (who does?) didn't have the best equipment or the most supportive fans
They had heart and they followed it, through a lens!
And there is no such thing as trying or being no good
There is only doing and not doing
Because everything else is relative, you know?
Keep doing, keep living, keep loving

Even if no one else shows it, I'm proud of you
I thought your IC photo story was just precious
As are all of the other darling photos I've seen thus far

<3

I can't find any of the tell-tale symptoms. It's alright though, symptoms aren't for everyone.

My friends ask me all the time, "Hey have you seen his new photos? You should do something like that," or "Why don't you go and take pictures of them like her?". And I know they mean well, I do, but it really gets a gal down. Basically saying that what I do just isn't up to snuff. Which is fine, I never said it was and I'm pretty open about the fact that I don't think I'm that good at all. I just like taking pictures. They think they're being helpful but I don't think they see that I don't take the kinds of photos that they're pointing out to me. I like a photography that is very different than what their friends are doing and I just don't feel the need to imitate what they like to do if it's not what I like to do. And I'm very much aware that I'm not competitive enough for "this kind of work" and I've stopped taking my camera everywhere if I'll be with friends that tend to compare my work to others. I'm okay with that, I have no problem failing at this and I think everyone should just take a deep breath and be cool with that. Support your friends' work, just don't try and compare one kid with a camera with another kid. You'll never make any sense out of it.

I really enjoy spinning tales in my head to explain strangers. I think we all do. I wonder what stories people tell themselves about me. I wonder if they wonder about me at all. We weren't all cut out to be the heroes and heroines of fairy tales. Though no less worthy, we're the people that make up the small crowd of village people in story books.

So much waste. This evening I read a National Geographic article about feeding the world's population. In America we struggle, but millions of loaves go stale and then go in the dumpster. In Egypt they pass out government-subsidized bread and in Eritrea they starve. And by no fault of their own. How can they plant in arid, war-torn lands? In India they have bread but also cancers from the fertilizers and pesticides that run from the wheat fields, into canals, into thirsty mouths. Die by malnutrition and starvation or by painful disease? Tough call.
My relatives started arguing over the war. So much money wasted on new technology and so little spent on veterans. One relative kept saying 'we should have blown the whole darn country up'. I wanted to ask her which exactly she meant but she's vengeful and likely without answer, feeling that all nations with a majority of devout Muslims is just one big evil stain. We've wasted enough lives ('casualties', they call them. What a disgusting euphemism) as it is. How can you not care that people over are people? We're just people over here. That's all. Nothing makes us any more special or deserving though that's what we're brought up to believe. It gives us no right to live while killing others and thinking it just.
Someone chuckles and says they're glad at least they go to bed feeling safe at night, as if they would ever not be. I doubt many consider how others feel as U.S. bombs drop on their neighbors homes in the soiled name of democracy and so-called peace. They discuss the UT tower shootings in the 60s. They shake their heads over the 15 killed that day. I don't think they even consider how many died in Afghanistan under U.S. fire just a couple days ago.

Remember that you're more than this. Remember?

I don't understand why people are so eager. Don't they know? You might get this. But you might just get that. Don't they understand?

TickTickTick
Here it comes
And there it all goes

I feel like I've been doing this all day in one way or another, hassling with a program meant to keep my laptop safe from viruses. It detects a Problem. But if you were to look up this so-called Problem, you would find that it isn't actually a problem or a threat in anyway. Rather, the program looks at it and is intimidated by it and doesn't like the way it looks and puts it in a big red box, demanding your immediate attention. You have two options: to fix the Problem or to ignore it. Of course there is an asterisk next to the Fix option telling you that that is the preferred method for dealing with it and that it isn't, in fact, better left let alone. I just keep clicking Fix again and again and again but nothing is happening. The program is ignoring my attempts to do what we both think needs to be done. I can look at the scan's progress, I can check on the files it's looked at, I can minimize it or just put it off to the side of the screen, but for some reason I just cannot Fix the Problem. I'm sitting here, looking at the window head-on, with my eyes imploring the program to just let me fix everything. But to no avail. I need to get to bed, I'm very aware of this, but what am I supposed to do about the Problem? If I just shut down for the night, that same Problem will be there in the morning. For how long, though, can I sit here clicking Fix before my little touch pad gives out and the little so-called Problem begets a very real, very serious one?




There are entirely too many metaphors running around on any given day.

Today has been kind of like when you try to walk quietly across a wooden floor, but every careful step you take just brings forth a loud and terrible creeking noise. And maybe it would have just been a better idea to stay where you were all along.

Because I think it's a lot more fun when you know more about the people you think you know. And because I'm a narcissist.

Part I.
--I'm extraordinarily paranoid when I first awake. I'll start to cry or call/text someone out of sheer panic
--I think Trees and Mountains are the greatest things God ever gave to us. I want a tattoo of a leaf and I worry constantly about how much longer I'll have to go without seeing my favorite mountains, the Tetons, again.
--My laugh is fairly manly. When I laugh really hard, I fall off of chairs or just tumble over where I'm standing.
--I smile often enough, but you can tell that I'm just downright beside myself if I start to smirk.
--There is no excuse for intolerance of other religions or belief systems. Do not mock or degrade something that someone else has faith in. No one needs to hear another snyde remark about the Church of Latter-Day Saints or any lame jokes about Scientology. Grab a book and educate yourself before you open your mouth and waste your breath.
--I'm not a vegetarian, I'm a chickentarian. I love chicken and could never even consider giving it up. Beef sucks though, Daniel V.
--I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair. This is by no means an exaggeration either.
--I want to be a photojournalist, not a photographer. Huge difference.
--I'm not a music person. I like it and all but don't ask me if I know some incredible singer or band, I do not. All the music I have is because friends recommended it to me or themselves put it on my ipod shuffle, Ferris.
--Donuts are my area of expertise. I don't care how bad they are for your health or how often my teeth cry out begging me to stop, I will never give them up. Ever.
--I also name my cameras. Dean is the SLR, Sparky is the little digital one, Walle is the Polaroid (those totally look like the heads of robots), Archie is the Kodak Brownie, Ralphie is the Minolta film, and Holga is the 35mm Holga.
--I buy books and don't read them for months or years. I think this is important. If you've read all the books you own that simply means you don't have enough. I like to buy random books at garage sales without reading what they're about because one day I want walls and walls of books to keep me occupied for decades.
--It's not that I necessarily support Hamas, but I do support the liberation of the Palestinean people. I said this recently and a guy asked, "What? Do you just really hate Jews or something?". This really bothered me. I hate Israeli politics, not the Israeli people (if you knew me during the events in Lebanon then you're likely to think this).
--I am very, very dedicated to my pets. Sometimes I'll go home simply to see them. My cat I call Baby, my three dogs are the greatest creatures ever to me. I just can never get enough of Angus, my favorite pup. I have a contraband kitty named Kitty at the yellow house that is crazy (her owners had to have dropped acid all the time and shared a bit with her...) but is such a lover when she calms down. Okay, I'll move on now.
--I love geomorphology. I could talk about it forever, though I can't promise I'd be right about any of it. I hate rocks and minerals though, I just don't care.
--I really prefer to be barefoot outside but I NEVER go barefoot indoors, that's just unsanitary.
--While on the subject, I have what I think is a reasonable fear of germs and I can't understand why no one else agrees with me. It really hurts my feelings that my friends aren't sensitive to my feelings on germs. Hayley always is though, such a sweet girl.
--I cuddle a lot. Don't sit down next to me if you don't want me holding your hand or curling up against you. Jenna, I'm so glad you're the same way!
--'Hillary' is spelt with two Ls, not one. Who are these people that think they can get away with improper spellings of names?
--I always really want to dance at Mosaic and I'm still waiting on the day when I see someone else get up and get to it.
--TOMS are the greatest shoe and one of the greatest companies ever invented. I have seven or eight pairs and I just cannot get enough of those babies.
--I live in a darling yellow house with a contraband kitty who is forever having acid flashbacks and four housemate//babes who are forever making me laugh. I just love the whole package.


[To be continued.]

Pardon me while I curl up into the fetal position and wonder what it is about a college education that builds character.

I don't believe in romantic love, I have no need for another illusion.
Yes, you can love someone. You can love your friends, your families, and your dog, so of course you can love your boyfriend or wife. But there's no such thing as being truly In Love. Love is an illusion, not that that's a negative thing, it just is. And to be In Love is simply to buy into the same version of that illusion. I'm not In Love with Bobby because he and I don't share the same version of the illusion of Love. He and Suzy do. So he and Suzy are In Love. And the day they marry and say "This is a dream come true", it is not a Dream Come True but a shared dream that they have acted out together. That Dream didn't Come True, those two people simple lived out the dream they both shared in their heads.
There is so much pressure to Fall In Love. It appears to be everywhere and with everyone you know. As if to be In Love is the greatest idea of all, as if it's the greatest shared passion there is. But it is just an idea, just an illusion. So much energy is put into finding someone that has the same version of the Illusion in their heart, someone whose heart projects the same image of Love that your's does. You can't rush a search like that, you shouldn't be discouraged when you go to bed at night without finding that person yet. It's an illusion, it's something that you dream up on your own and you can't be anxious to find it so early in life. Sure it happens often enough when people are young, but not always. To rush into something early and convince yourself that being In Love is something other than what it really is - a shared Illusion - is to settle for something that neither of you can be truly happy with.
Decide if you care enough about giving in to the Illusion. Figure out how your heart pictures the Illusion. Be patient while you wait to find someone whose heart pictures the Illusion the same way that your's does.

Today I read an article about why someone loved being married
I was disappointed
Even though I had no expectations, my heart dropped a little after reading
And I continue to fear that marriage will never appeal to me

It's funny how sometimes I say I don't want things
Things that really I'd beg for if that's what it took

There was just a soldier being interviewed from Afghanistan on TV
Looking at him I would have guessed he was in his mid-twenties
He's younger than I am
They were talking about the war in Afghanistan that's been going on since 9/11
Since he was in the sixth grade
With gel in his hair, a soccer uniform in the wash, dirty socks under his bed
But here he is today, a grown man fighting in the same war that started 7 years ago
I wonder if he even understood what was happening when this all started
And if he did, if he ever thought it could possibly still be the same today

What a sad thing to see things the way they really are

As if I don't feel guilty enough or apologize enough!
I hate being ill because you just feel miserable and so guilty, sending messages of remorse from your brain to your body without actually knowing what you've done to upset it
Hoping it forgives you in time for school the next day
The other day Sam mentioned in his sermon about how he often finds himself praying when he's feeling really ill, praying that God will make him feel better and in exchange he'll do good things and not bad things
When I fall ill, I pray to my body. I beg it to get better and not be so full of anger (in the form of a virus, of course) and in return I'll use better handsoap, wash my hair more often, eat more vegetables, etc.
But my body always stays bitter, denying my pleas and finding pleasure in my pain
No, I just do not appreciate being ill

Sometimes the best you can do is wait the night out
With a box of Girl Scouts' Thin Mints and a kitty at your feet
With a bed rumpled from tossing and turning
With your phone on silent but still close so you can see it blinking
With strangers' voices lulling and pitching
With The Weepies streaming from your computer speakers
With your eyes drooping, blinking, drooping again
With a worn out pep talk on repeat in the back of your mind
With a smile ready to deny that anything at all is the matter

Important note: If there is a question I don't wish to answer, I'll repeat the question back to you.
For example: "Hey Hillary, do you like french toast?" "Umm Hey (person), do you like french toast?"
F-Y-I

Let me take yo picture!


I'm falling way behind on Resolution #14 and I really need to work on my photos of people.

The most darling thing happened today
Background story: Audrey and I decided we wanted to go to Clementine's for dinner and a coffee drink for her and pumpkin cocoa for me. But the parking lot was full so we went across the street to Eastside Cafe for the first time. Everything was a slightly out of our preferred price range. Audrey asked if I was getting anything and I said I just didn't feel comfortable spending $12 on dinner without having planned on it.
Apparently the lady at the table next to us heard everything. After she left, a waitress came over with an envelope and told us the lady had overheard us and wanted to give us a gift certificate-- for $40. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? We want to do that for a group on Guadalupe, just hand them a gift certificate to Kerbey Lane or something.
Anyway, we invited Blake over for dinner since we hadn't seen him in a while and that $40 gift certificate was just enough to cover a meal for all of us.

I found out why there is a single red swing between the architecture building and the HRC on campus: redswingproject.org

In the running for best idea ever? Yes.

Today I received a bill for my hospital visit back in the Fall. For the two-hour visit during which I only saw a doctor for fifteen minutes and which left me in more pain than before. There wasn't even the usual procedure of shining that light in my ears or putting a Q-Tip down my throat, no tests or anything, nothing that would have cost anything- just a sadistic man telling me to move when I couldn't do so without screaming and/or crying. Apparently, I owe $107 for this waste of time that shaved at least a day or two off my life expectancy. And that amount is after what my insurance paid and such. Before all that, the bill in its entirety comes out to $1095. I'm not exaggerating, nothing was done for me except more harm, the doctor barely even touched me I was just instructed to move and handed a flyer on my condition and given a prescription. If it cost all that money for nothing, imagine what it costs for someone going in with the flu or after having just suffered a stroke. If you're still one of those holding out against universal health care, you're a ridiculous and sheltered person at present. I'm never stepping foot in a doctor's office or hospital again until something is done about the healthcare system. I don't care if it does lead to paralysis again, I don't even care if I'm dying. 'Ridiculous' is the only adjective I can even think of to describe all of this. I mean, I have something else to say about it, but I left that business in my other blog.

Do ya?
Do ya?
Do ya?




[Repeat post.]

Resolutions thus far...

1. Read (and finish!) at least 12 new books.

2. Visit the Tetons.

3. Run in at least 3 5k races.

4. Learn to cook.

5. Actually use my day planner.

6. Get/stay in shape.

7. Meditate more.

8. Worry less.

9. Buy a pair of TOMS every month.

10. Donate more to SaveDarfur.

11. Camp more often.

12. Photography: at least 4 days a week.

13. Have more faith in God.




Good start, I'd say!